Sperm donor…

When I was 37 I went through…wait…when I was 37 plus a few years after, I went through a very difficult divorce. When it started, our children were 11 and 4. I cannot describe how hard it was for me to be the one booted out of the house. I landed about a half mile from the house, with an eccentric roommate. He locked his bedroom door at 9:59 each night. But at least he welcomed me in, for a month.

That said, as the divorce crap carried on, my once dear wife liked to refer to me as the “Sperm Donor” (and still does) and in her mind that was all that I was. Her father, also divorced from her Mother, said he was labelled the same. Together we figured there was this mindset of, “Get the guy, get the kid’s, get rid of the guy”. That seemed to be the way their side of the family did things. Sadly, my daughter has being playing out the same old script with her two kids recently.

But point is, ONE — Biology…Zoology actually…RULES…meaning most women are programmed to reproduce. Ok, ok, I’m ok with that. BUT, due to the way culture has changed over the millennia, it’s made it much easier to toss out the, “Sperm Donor”, once they are done, sperming, or whatever it’s called.

So, this COMPLETELY explains why it’s now so easy for the gal’s to toss the guys into the rubbish heap, rape them for child support and alimony and whatever else they can get. HOWEVER, as seemingly advantageous as it has been for these gals, the children and the men tossed out have suffered IMMEASURABLY. The gals have NO IDEA (or care apparently) how much our contemporary culture has caused us guys to suffer…being separated from OUR (not just YOUR) children. We are NOT just the “Sperm Donor’s”!!! WE are the FATHERS. And tragically, our contemporary culture is still making it difficult for us to reclaim that role, as the Fathers of our children. Many men have killed themselves because of this, of their inability to be the Father to their children, and that is a cultural tragedy and travesty.

My children were 11 and 4 (now 38 and 30) when their Mother and I split up. I wasn’t able to spend one Christmas, or birthday, with my children until they grew up and moved out of their mother’s house! Their Mother refused to share those times with me and here in Canada during that time I was unable to change that. I suffered deeply. More than deeply, I lived a life of desolation and desperation for so many years….

My point being…sometimes in life things just can’t go the way that we wish. We accept it as it is, or not. Most of time I have chosen NOT, but have had to grab a beer, or two, or three to help me along that path. Thank God for that, at least.

May YOUR fate go better than mine!

This I see…

Today I saw into my past. Today I saw that it doesn’t last. Well, we do, but the memory doesn’t. It’s up to us to make it present. It is our choice you see, it really is up to you and me, to make of it what we will or won’t.

Today I saw into that past. I’m glad that it didn’t last. Well, I know that our memories wax and wane and can follow us willy-nilly upon the plane. But it is our choice you will see, it really is up to you and me, to make it what we will or what we don’t, and most won’t.

Today I saw into today. I’m glad for it, it’s here to stay. Well, I know it’s short and about to end, but that won’t stop me from hitting send, on that text to my closest friend, my love and dearest confidant, the one no one will know until the end. I’m good with that and so are they, and that’s all I have to say about stuff that’s personal, that tucks down deep into this arsenal, that lives this life that’s separate as the flowers be, that shows and gives us all their goodness and beauty.

This I see. Amen, this I see.

The end…

This space…life, as it grows dim, do I dare to let him in?

He has haunted me from my youth, since I awakened.

I was 8, a day which gives me fright. But I then saw there that life was IT.

This IT I’ve called it ever since. A blessing, one would or should suppose, but not for me all these years as I’ve posed.

Posed for what? To reach an age that today is defined from yesterday. I’m old.

We will, I hope, live much longer, but that doesn’t mean I’ll grow any stronger.

Rather, the clock defines us still. Will not, will wither, will it be it as it may.

Not to dismay, it is our plunder, our way upon this earth asunder.

As for me, I will stand up tall and take my fate, as much we all.

Slay me now or slay me yet, I take my odds on life’s sure bet, that we will know when to end the show and be as yet, another remembered.

Life…

So many of us are tired, with Covid and with life, especially if we are older. Perhaps it is the bell ring of our time in this form of being that we call Life, nearing its end? As for me, I welcome the great, the best of sleep ever. This life tires me. There is no ultimate solace, no here and now release from its daily grasp upon our souls. Nothing other than our sweet repose, asleep, in peace, forever. 

To be able to see our end in such great light, surely brings us up to our lifelong fight, for this for that and the other thing. Time now, me thinks, to sing! It is not that which we have feared! Rather, I suspect, a thing to actually be revered.

Life, on the other side…

Time to write. I have a dear friend recently diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. She has 3 months to 3 years to live. Either way, it’s terminal and her time will be up. Fact is, our time in this form of being that I call, “Life” is short. Even shorter than we think, especially as we get older. When we are young, the time-to-the-end seems long, but as we age, that time distinction seems to shorten, which I suppose is natural and normal.

That said, we resist the notion of dying, and that is normal and natural too. In my experience, my resistance to dying and death was much stronger when I was younger. As I have aged, the thought of not-being is, I must say happily, not as daunting.

Here’s why I think this: Life is bloody challenging! Life for the most part it is a huge challenge and struggle, to do it right. And there’s the rub — “to do it right”. Doing it right for me here in Canada is completely different from how that is defined in another country and culture, like Egypt, or Zimbabwe. Every culture, every group of different people, have their own definitions of what, “doing it right” actually is. Even within our own culture we have big differences in opinion about how we should live our lives, which brings me to my main point.

If there are so many differing ideas and opinions about how we define living life well, what is the real value of OURS compared to THEIRS? I don’t think there is ANY value, idea or opinion about Life and how it should be lived that is any “better” than any others — anywhere. I’m not talking about stuff that includes killing others. THAT is another matter that I think boils down to common, fundamental human religious or political ideas, values and opinions — a topic for another time.

So, getting back to my point, I think that the things we hold true to and value, in the perspective of world-cultural viewpoints, are relative and perhaps even meaningless. This doesn’t mean that we need to give up on our particular world-views. Rather, recognize that the way that we think about some things are very relative, and realize that a new view gives us FREEDOM. Freedom to let go, to relax and to in some other way enjoy life — as it should be!

And when this form of being that we call Life comes to an end, I think for many older people — especially those very old or sick, it can actually be a relief — freedom from the pain and hardship. An end to this form of being called Life, yes, which is an unavoidable and inevitable end for us ALL eventually. We don’t know what’s on the other side! It could be glorious!!! That’s certainly what I’m hoping for…

My personal Covid-19 statement…March 22nd, 2020.

covid-19

I’m having a really rough time with this whole Covid-19 thing. Health officials are now saying that France, Spain, then the US, then here in Canada — that we’re all on the same illness trajectory. Meaning, the horror we’re seeing in Italy, is heading our way, inexorably.

Of course things will vary — Italy has a very high percentage of older people compared to other countries, and we have had more time to prepare, but the experts are saying that while that may slow down the speed at which it’s spreading, it may have little ultimate effect on its inevitable, inexorable march through our homes. We now know the virus is hitting a lot of younger people too, so it’s not just targeting one cohort, it’s targeting us all. Targeting us, making us sick, but also in a big way now victimizing us with “social distancing”, which is dramatically changing the way we have all lived in ways more than revolutionary.

Today, not being able to go about my normal routine, the gym, the grocery store, the pub, etc was extremely hard for me. Instead, I had to stay home, try to read or watch TV, most of which is all about Covid-19. I couldn’t go for a walk, or a run because there are now so many people out on the streets and out on the local trails that it’s impossible to keep the safe distance! So, the main message now is to STAY HOME.

This is not the “new normal” as some psychologists are suggesting we will all need to “adapt to”! This is the new “ab-normal” that none of us are at all prepared for. We are social beings — it can and never will become a “new normal”, because it’s completely unnatural for our species.

While I’m feeling terribly sorry for myself today, as much or more I’ve been crying off and on today thinking about everybody else, here around me and around the world who CANNOT and may never get used to this new, “normal”. Those who fear not just the loss of their own lives, but of their loved ones, their friends, their neighbours. We’re living in a moment by moment time of huge uncertainty.

We hear everyone now saying, “We are all in this together”, but we’re all also in a place so very unnatural and hard for us, a place that bores down to the very root of our soul, to a place of fear, with the potential to rip apart the very social fabric of our being. This is not a, “United We Stand” situation. This is a “United We Fear” catastrophe — fearing, even, one another. I predict many broken hearts – emotionally and literally, many inconsolable friends, many impossible demands upon us all.

These are not just “tough times”, friends, these are virtually impossible times for too, too many…

Dear God, may we all somehow see this through.

#covid19

 

 

So do I…

image

As the fall blooms brighter and the days get shorter, so do I.

As the rains fall harder and the fair clouds flounder, so do I.

As the darkness veils the mourning loss of springs lost grandeur and summers sweetness amidst the rainbows fading glory, so do I.

There’s no way back upon this road. No U-turn to give delight. Instead it wanders through the darkest forest with a one way glory with a one way sign on a one way life…

So do I.

What is a poet?

What is a poet?

A rhymer of words?

Or a mincer of the same?

Expressing what is? What was? What should be?

Perhaps, although I prefer the raw version.

Yes, the raw version, which is, of course, the freshest.

Whatever else follows after isn’t the freshest, although it should be, logically.

I prefer this!

Memories…vestiges of time.

We cling to memories as if they define us…but they really don’t….what we do is what defines us….memories are ghost images of what’s scarcely behind us in time, according to the clock. What we do in the present is the only true indicator of the person, of who we are, because it is us here right now.