Sperm donor…

When I was 37 I went through…wait…when I was 37 plus a few years after, I went through a very difficult divorce. When it started, our children were 11 and 4. I cannot describe how hard it was for me to be the one booted out of the house. I landed about a half mile from the house, with an eccentric roommate. He locked his bedroom door at 9:59 each night. But at least he welcomed me in, for a month.

That said, as the divorce crap carried on, my once dear wife liked to refer to me as the “Sperm Donor” (and still does) and in her mind that was all that I was. Her father, also divorced from her Mother, said he was labelled the same. Together we figured there was this mindset of, “Get the guy, get the kid’s, get rid of the guy”. That seemed to be the way their side of the family did things. Sadly, my daughter has being playing out the same old script with her two kids recently.

But point is, ONE — Biology…Zoology actually…RULES…meaning most women are programmed to reproduce. Ok, ok, I’m ok with that. BUT, due to the way culture has changed over the millennia, it’s made it much easier to toss out the, “Sperm Donor”, once they are done, sperming, or whatever it’s called.

So, this COMPLETELY explains why it’s now so easy for the gal’s to toss the guys into the rubbish heap, rape them for child support and alimony and whatever else they can get. HOWEVER, as seemingly advantageous as it has been for these gals, the children and the men tossed out have suffered IMMEASURABLY. The gals have NO IDEA (or care apparently) how much our contemporary culture has caused us guys to suffer…being separated from OUR (not just YOUR) children. We are NOT just the “Sperm Donor’s”!!! WE are the FATHERS. And tragically, our contemporary culture is still making it difficult for us to reclaim that role, as the Fathers of our children. Many men have killed themselves because of this, of their inability to be the Father to their children, and that is a cultural tragedy and travesty.

My children were 11 and 4 (now 38 and 30) when their Mother and I split up. I wasn’t able to spend one Christmas, or birthday, with my children until they grew up and moved out of their mother’s house! Their Mother refused to share those times with me and here in Canada during that time I was unable to change that. I suffered deeply. More than deeply, I lived a life of desolation and desperation for so many years….

My point being…sometimes in life things just can’t go the way that we wish. We accept it as it is, or not. Most of time I have chosen NOT, but have had to grab a beer, or two, or three to help me along that path. Thank God for that, at least.

May YOUR fate go better than mine!

AA ramblings.

At an AA meeting today. An old guy rambled on, just like he does every day. He sits close to the front so he’ll be asked to speak. I sit at the back to avoid it. But the guy next to me, after 5 minutes of complaining about being “back home” (from Mexico) says in a humph that “No-one at AA should be allowed to speak until they have at least 30 days sober. This guy has been coming here for 25 years and hasn’t gone for more than a week”.

I humph back my agreement, which is why I’m sitting way back at the Alano Club’s everyday 2PM meeting, so I won’t be seen or asked to speak. How can I? I’m going without even a day’s worth of absitence. Not yet. But I think this guy has it right. His name is Jim, a huge hand attached to an equally large body, suntanned—he shakes and say’s HELLO. After Mr. Rambler is finished rambling he gets up and say’s, “Well, this is a meeting I won’t be talking about for day’s to come!” then sticks out his hand and say’s goodbye. I join his shadow about 30 seconds later. We both leave the meeting at the half time, aka “smoke break”. Him for a smoke and easy leave of absence. Me, so that I won’t be tempted to stop off at the ol’ watering-hole for a drink before 5. Mission successful.

“Another day in paradise”, I almost said to someone later, but stopped myself, thinking, ruminating quickly; “What’s paradise for me might not be paradise for him”. Nevertheless, to me to live another day IS paradise, a gift, especially while I am still drinking. Yesterday I was screaming down the highway at ridiculous speeds (totally sober–not 5 yet!) to catch the 3:15 ferry-ride back to the mainland, back to my home and love. A stearing-wheel gripping ride back to my paradise. Indeed. Thank God, I made it, so that I can now, just as I have today, live and enjoy yet another day in it.

I swore that I would never write after drinking, but in the last few days have realized that then I might leave this paradise without being heard from again. Now, I feel that I owe it to myself and my loved ones to keep talking, regardless. At least an incenses ashes are still traces of the flame.

Mute…

I haven’t written much lately. “Life” and its vicissitudes have kept me otherwise occupied, distracted, or simply unable.

Why? Well, to begin with, I have suffered from severe anxiety since I was born. Going through 2 foster family mothers before ending up with the third who kept me—all in the first six months of my life—most likely had something to do with that. Then depression reared its ugly head in my early 30’s, which I happily “self-medicated” with alcohol, especially after being separated from my children due to divorce back in 1995, and then followed closely by a rocky second re-bound marriage, on-again-off-again over 10 years. My depression has since lessened but the taste for my self-prescribed medication has not.

Thanks to “real” medication and intensive therapy, I am seeing light at the end of the tunnel. In fact, I am seeing that there actually IS light at the end of that tunnel! While waiting for the clouds to clear, then, I have purposefully chosen not to write, comment, opinion-ate or dare even beer-induced pontificate.

In the meantime, I’m taking life just “one day at a time”. That’s an “AA” (Alcoholics Anonymous) expression. I attended AA off and on for a few years. Great organization. I learned a lot about alcohol addiction and LIFE at AA….and THAT is what this site is all about; discovering and sharing things about life with YOU, with the hope that we ALL might benefit and improve the quality of our individual lives, the lives of our loved ones and perhaps even…the world. I’m a die-hard optimist.

God willing, see you soon, when the sky is clear.

Take care,
Tim