Mute…

~ Tim ~ 1 Comment

I haven’t written much lately. “Life” and its vicissitudes have kept me otherwise occupied, distracted, or simply unable.

Why? Well, to begin with, I have suffered from severe anxiety since I was born. Going through 2 foster family mothers before ending up with the third who kept me—all in the first six months of my life—most likely had something to do with that. Then depression reared its ugly head in my early 30’s, which I happily “self-medicated” with alcohol, especially after being separated from my children due to divorce back in 1995, and then followed closely by a rocky second re-bound marriage, on-again-off-again over 10 years. My depression has since lessened but the taste for my self-prescribed medication has not.

Thanks to “real” medication and intensive therapy, I am seeing light at the end of the tunnel. In fact, I am seeing that there actually IS light at the end of that tunnel! While waiting for the clouds to clear, then, I have purposefully chosen not to write, comment, opinion-ate or dare even beer-induced pontificate.

In the meantime, I’m taking life just “one day at a time”. That’s an “AA” (Alcoholics Anonymous) expression. I attended AA off and on for a few years. Great organization. I learned a lot about alcohol addiction and LIFE at AA….and THAT is what this site is all about; discovering and sharing things about life with YOU, with the hope that we ALL might benefit and improve the quality of our individual lives, the lives of our loved ones and perhaps even…the world. I’m a die-hard optimist.

God willing, see you soon, when the sky is clear.

Take care,
Tim

Black Crows….poetry.

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Black crows weep at the maidens feet

Skys turn black for the lack of that

Blue was in but today it’s lacking

Gone so deep we can hear them hacking

But the entrance is closed for we and those

Who can hear the voice of the truth betrothed

Tis us we know but can dare admit

That we really do know down deep…it.

 

Inspired by one of my long-time interenet friends, Misia.

No recurrences here!

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My lung-scan results just came back “all clear”. There is no evidence of present or past clots! What a relief. Life can continue again…

They still don’t know what caused them in the first place. When that happens they suspect undetected cancer. Investigation for that continues, but so far so good.

What is life without fear? Is it possible? Krishnamuriti, whose writings I have studied for years, suggests that it is possible to live without fear. But very, very few people achieve that state of freedom. Even HE was frustrated by that sad fact.

What is fear? We’ll investigate that later.

T.

sunflowers

Recurrence?

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Today, I’ve had some recurrence of the same symptoms I had which led up to my September hospitalization for Pulmonary Emboli (Lung blood-clots). Coincidentally, and thankfully, I have been scheduled for the last 2 months for my 6 month follow up with the specialist tomorrow. They will be doing another lung-scan and an echo-cardiogram. Hopefully those will show that all is well, although I cannot dismiss the way I have felt today, so I will most certainly tell the specialist about that.

I am feeling better this evening, but today’s experience certainly brought back the stark reality of it all, brought back my awareness of how much the entire colour of my life changed when faced with the possibility of suddenly dying. It could still happen from this condition. Pulmonary Embolisms can re-occur, even while on the medication—“Warfarin”, a blood-thinner, or as many seem to enjoy telling me it is called, “Rat Poison” because it really used to be used for rat-bait.

On Friday, I successfully completed an hour long work-out at the gym: 20 minutes on the Elliptical machine, with minute and a half “sprints” on it every five minutes. That was followed by a half hour of aerobic circuit weight training, using lighter weights with higher repetitions, which also elevates the heart rate. Then I finished up with ten minutes of running on the treadmill. 2 months ago, I could only do 5 minutes on the elliptical machine and about 15 minutes of weights! I’ve been feeling incredibly healthy for the past couple of months, going with that routine ever few days. My resting heart-rate is around 60, my blood-pressure around 130 over 83 (including today). But today frightened me, jolting me back to the September horror. So, I rested for the whole day. Hopefully tomorrows tests will show no “new developments”. I do hope.

All those who I love have been uppermost in my mind today…I don’t want to leave them, not YET!

But the point that I want to make tonight is how significant and impactful it was having that sort-of near death experience, back in September. It coloured and completely changed the entire perspective and course of my life. Knowing that I could—bam—suddenly die was a very sobering (I’m still working on that too!) and frightening experience. However, on the day that it happened in September, when the doctors were talking to me as if I was not going to walk out of the hospital, I was completely resigned and even open to it. I was strangely peaceful inside. I wasn’t afraid to die—but I WAS terrified to leave the lives of my loved ones. This was not a selfish rumination. Rather, I was thinking about them, because I wanted to stay on as an active part of their lives for what I believed I could give to them, and which I still believe, yet.

That is my dream tonight. God willing, that as I recovered in September, so tomorrow I will continue to be free to pursue the most important things in my life…to fully love my loved ones and to continue this amazing and wonderful journey that I began back in September to completely discover who and what I am, so that I can BE that person and in turn bless not only the lives of those closet to me, but also if God so grants, a lot more people around me in this refreshing, warm sea of humanity.

Indeed this is my calling. A hope, to be fulfilled.

Thank YOU, dear readers for being a part of my dream.

Blessings to you all,

Tim

trilliam 
The Trilliam, a native flower of Ontario.
As a very young child, I discovered them flourishing in the forest behind our home.
My delight in their beauty spawned a life-long love and appreciate for them and all flowers.
Each human, each individual, is just as beautiful as these.

New Year’s Resolutions Re-visited

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Well, here we are…36 days into the new year already!

I went 17 days straight, writing in my journal, but haven’t written a thing in the past week or two.

I, like most, have not come very close to achieving my resolutions. But I haven’t given up yet!!! The year has still just begun!

Stay tuned. The best is yet to come.

Take care.

Tim

Ca-na-da

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I received this tonight in an email. Merits sharing with y’all. I love good humour!

Cheers

T.

Now that Vancouver will be hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics, people all over the world are asking some questions.

Apparently these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.

Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were purportedly asked!

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? ( England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends on how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to  Toronto – can I follow the Railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it’s only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? ( Sweden )
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATM’s (cash machines) in Canada ?  Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver ,  Edmonton andHalifax ? ( England )
A: No, but you’d better bring a few extra furs for trading purposes.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing inCanada ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe   Ca-na-da is that big country to your North…oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary  Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? ( England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it.  Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in  Vancouver and in Calgary , straight after the hippo races. Come naked..

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
A: No, WE don’t stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.  Where can I sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It’s a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
A: It’s called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

Alcohol

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I know quite a few people who have a problem with drinking the “Demon-drink”, alcohol.

Without exception, they have all had good reason to have become dependent upon it. For those who only drink in the evening, it gives us a few hours RELEASE from life’s grasp. It gives us a wee break from the stark reality of it all.

Problem is…alcohol is an un-natural drug that “Nature”, regardless of Evolution, has not accepted. And so, after a while…or after so many years…it eventually catches up with us and TRIES TO KILL US!

It has already killed millions and millions of people over the last few thousand years.

Will we let it kill US now?

How can we let a drug, a foreign substance that we oh-so-happily pour into us….KILL US in the end?

As for me, I cannot let it do that to me. I will fight it to the end. What will the end be? That has yet to be decided!

I think we need to kill the beast, before it kills us.

I found this fellows blog entry tonight…very poignant!  http://tribework.blogspot.com/2010/01/battling-demon-drink.html

T.

Friends on the Internet

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I’ve been online for a number of years…14 I think! Hard to believe.

In all of that time, aside from my own children being here, off and on…there has only been ONE other person faithfully here during that entire time, for whom I am so grateful!

Her nick-name is, or was, “Meesh”. Meesh was here, on the Net, during a time of my life when even my children were not. It seemed that no matter what time of day that I logged-on to the Internet, she was there! We often chatted for hours. Hours, that meant more to me than she ever realized.

In fact, as I am writing this she is online! She inspired my blog entry for the night! We don’t chit-chat very much these days…both of our lives have changed quite a bit. But, she is still just as important to me today as she was years ago.

A true friend will forever be a true friend, thank God.

These are the things for which we need to be truly grateful.

Thank you…”Meesh”. And thank you, God.

T.